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Kite Shield
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Number of posts : 21
Registration date : 2007-02-19

PostSubject: Souls   Tue Feb 20, 2007 5:00 pm

chained, framed, slandered name
angry very much so deprived
hanging there people placed shamed you
a crown they said for my troubles
more so a leach beseeched
reaps away wonderful mirth

wrapped and ripped
stripped and lipped
deep barbs cheer piercing flesh
blood dripped and spilled

but Iím laughing
grinning well my head very much is spinning
laughing away for there damning acts
blood splattered preparation

being cast away for pay
bloody rituals slaughtered me
appeasing spirits claiming to be a god
ripped, stripped and dripped dry

so they say I should not be alive
who are they to say I have passed away
I stay due to pray
regenerating flesh, rebuking barbed fray

walking free light leaps my way
armor made from restraints
crown of shame re-named
there hate flies my way
simply deflected away

held back by my display
flayed soul by there spiteful way
to what do you say when you have been treated this way
reap every soul or find away to forge
forge that bar labeled revenge
the blood bar labeled revenge

perhaps take the frayed grey cotton away
replaced by golden glorious silk
wrapping and forgiving teaching about better ways

if you are that tattered soul chained
framed, split, dripped and lipped
crown of shame forced upon head
ravaged a drained blood retained in other frame
what would you do
what can you do

What! Would you do?
carry on repent and become considered holly
or do you seek revenge for there sacrifice of your life
that decision is yours every peace loved, chaos corrupted
day

think about it what is your soul?
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Beckaney
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Number of posts : 68
Age : 34
Registration date : 2007-02-18

PostSubject: Re: Souls   Wed Feb 21, 2007 2:28 am

Kite Shield wrote:
chained, framed, slandered name
angry very much so deprived
hanging there, people placed shamed you
a crown, they said for my troubles
more so a leach beseeched
reaps away wonderful mirth

I really like this first stanza, has some excellent word usage. The only line that gets me is the second line just the word 'so' throws the flow of the line off a little. Other wise I think it is good, just added a couple of commas in there as a suggestion, you do not have to add them though.

wrapped and ripped
stripped and lipped
deep barbs cheer piercing flesh
blood dripped and spilled

Here the word usage is good and I like the little bit of rhyming you have used here, but I do not understans the word 'lipped', I love the last two lines maybe in this stanza you could add something in about the colour of the flesh or the blood. Just add a little more description here possibly.

but Iím laughing
grinning well my head very much is spinning
laughing away for there damning acts
blood splattered preparation

I really enjoyed this little twist in it. especially the last line after what the first line has said, was not expected at all, love it, don't change it.

being cast away for pay
bloody rituals slaughtered me
appeasing spirits claiming to be a god
ripped, stripped and dripped dry

The first line here is good but the last word seems out of place, maybe just a little reewording with that line. other than that, pretty darn good indeed.


ok well that is all I have for you at the moment, but give me a bit more time and i will crit the rest for you.

It is a great piece and i really do like it. Thanks for sharing.


What a Face Beckaney
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