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 Given up hope on this

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Beckaney
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Registration date : 2007-02-18

PostSubject: Given up hope on this   Thu Feb 22, 2007 5:21 am

affraid
Ok well this is a poem I wrote the other day and due to it being a ryhming poem I am at my wits end with it and ready to burn it. Mad
If anyone can help me salvage it I would be eternally in their debt....

What do you do when a loved one dies?
you see the world through forsaken eyes.
Your heart bleeds a million tears,
as the pain grows over the years.
And then one day you're told they are alive,
Your hert has taken an unneeded dive.
All the blood shed that you went through,
Cause you thought that your loved was through.

Now you can see the problem with this piece. It is a ryhme shceme and the slat 2 lines have the same last word an I can't fix it..........bom


Beckaney
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.::Brianna::.
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PostSubject: Re: Given up hope on this   Thu Feb 22, 2007 7:32 am

Alright I have a few suggestions, but remember I dont write poetry so I may suck at this. But the changes I made are in orange:

1.
What do you do when a loved one dies?
you see the world through forsaken eyes.
Your heart bleeds a million tears,
as the pain grows over the years.
And then one day you're told they are alive,
Your heart has taken an unneeded dive.
All the blood shed that you went through,
Cause you hadn't a clue.

2.
What do you do when a loved one dies?
you see the world through forsaken eyes.
Your heart bleeds a million tears,
as the pain grows over the years.
And then one day you're told they are alive,
Your heart has taken an unneeded dive.
All the blood shed that you went through,
When all was false and untrue

3.
What do you do when a loved one dies?
you see the world through forsaken eyes.
Your heart bleeds a million tears,
as the pain grows over the years.
And then one day you're told they are alive,
Your heart has taken an unneeded dive.
All the blood shed that you went through,
Comes down to shielded truth

Alright well those are my suggestions, and forgive the last one I was listening to Alanis Moresette "One hand in my pocket" when I wrote it lol.

.::Brianna"".
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Beckaney
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Age : 34
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PostSubject: Re: Given up hope on this   Thu Feb 22, 2007 7:44 am

Thanks Bri I think that you have just saved this piece form the fire lol.....
I really appreciate the help.


Beckaney
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.::Brianna::.
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PostSubject: Re: Given up hope on this   Thu Feb 22, 2007 7:46 am

You're Welcome Bec, anything I can do for a fellow WP member.

.::Brianna::.
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